孤独且失去灵魂的野鬼 The Wandering Ghost



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如果有机会遇见超人,你会问他的第一个问题是什么?

已经一个星期了,原来我挨不过一个星期。我不懂我什么时候变得如此脆弱及无助,发现自己越来越不像以前的我,开始不懂如何面对,却懂得如何逃避,这不是以前的我。

只为了不想让自己的爱人多想、多担心,不愿其他朋友操心,所以一次过将所有事情都往肚子里吞。但是它并没消化,而是在肚子里再酝酿,渐渐地膨胀,直到你觉得恶心,恨不得将它给吐出来。但通常吐出来的,都不是刚吞下的,反而是参杂了血与泪水。

问题接二连三发生,严重性是相等于一个计时炸弹,什么时候会引爆,我不懂。我很想拆弹,但我不懂从何下手,应该剪红线还是黄线,或是蓝线?若我选择红线,我会后悔一辈子,但我确实是不想拖累他,希望他有更好的选择及生活。若我选择黄线,难免友谊会有尴尬的时候,而如此敏感的话题,我确实开不了口。若我选择蓝线,那就是选择性逃避。

结果我选择了红线,也选择了蓝线,而黄线依然不懂如何是好,但这两条线足以让我陷入崩溃阶段。而我更糊涂,漠视了蓝线的重要性,因为它是连贯了红线及黄线,剪了它就等于引爆该炸弹。就这样大家都受伤了,而我更是陷入歇斯底里的状态,毁容无所谓,可是那颗滴血的心,已经难以再痊愈。

这几天,我像是一个孤独且失去灵魂的野鬼,一个人四处奔走,健身室、公园、购物广场等,能暂时收留我的,我也不放过。唯有在他们驱逐野鬼时,才是我真正要想要找的棲身之所,而那只有我的车,只有它陪伴着我。而我依然选择在外流浪,如街边狗般毫无头绪,不知往左或向右走,直到时间到了,才肯离开。有时压抑得在健身室突然呐喊,听见的人若无其事,听不见的却抓紧发根,恨不得把脑子里的烦恼都给拔出来。

其实我很怕寂寞,我已经有了爱情及友情的陪伴,所以很多时候我并不孤单。很多人都说,“朋友不需要多,一两个就好。”我身边真正的朋友事实并不多,数来数去,一个手掌,五根手指,数得完。以前的我很讨厌自己一个人,但现在我不得不一个人,可是痛苦的依然是我自己。无时无刻都会想起朋友的陪伴,想到他时也只能强忍住泪水。

有想过告诉他一切事由,但却害怕了吵架。我俩属硬派,外表吃硬内心却柔软。我外表常常血气方刚,见到他时却也不是一样儒弱得很。每当回到家,只能仰望着他可爱的睡姿,不发脾气、躺在我怀里时,的确让我甜上心头,我也已经很满足。


说实话,我真的很内疚。因为他是我最爱的,但我却给不到他要的。很多事情不说出口,不是因为我不在乎你,而是因为我爱你,真的不想你再为我的事情添加烦恼。 

对不起,不管怎样,对或错,我依然那么爱他。


话说回头,如果我遇见超人,那我会问的又是什么?
你扛得起车子、建筑物等,那你扛得起每一件心事吗?



If you happen to meet Superman, what is your first question that you gonna ask him?

It has been a week, but hardly can I survive within a week. I do not know when I have became so weak and helpless, totally unlike myself, started to avoid the problems and don’t even know how to face it, I wasn’t like that.

Every time I’m trying my best to absorb every single thing by myself without telling or informing anyone, so that they would not worry about me especially my love one. However, things doesn’t go as planned, the problems seems to be rolling and swelling in your stomach, makes you feeling nauseous and you wanna split it out so badly. Unfortunately, the split was disgusting, can clearly seen to be mixed with tears and blood.

The problems keep happening, it is exactly same like a timing explosion, it could be explode anytime, without notice. While I’m trying my best to deactivate it, but how should I get started? Should I cut the red, yellow, or blue wires? Red represents relationship, once I have chosen red I know I will be regret for the rest of my life, but it is also one of the ways that he could have better living and happier life, rather than being suffered together with me. If yellow is my choice, I can hardly seeing friendship to be in the awkward moments due to certain sensitive topics, besides, I seriously do not know how to put it. If I have chosen blue, it is because I am avoiding.

Eventually I chosen red and blue wire, I was leaving yellow aside, but both cut wires are good enough to bring me into hell. I was confused, I neglected the importance of blue wire, as it is linked with red and yellow wires, cutting it off is just same as cutting myself into two, causing explosion. It has caused harm and injuries to everyone, while I was being dragged into black hole, totally collapsed. It is okay to be ugly, but the bleeding heart will hardly recover.

I was like a ghost that has lost its soul, not even can be described as a human, was wandering around alone in the gym, park, shopping malls and etc., as long as there is a place that where can accommodate me, I will surely grab it. The concerns only came to me when they are closing; the only place that could still accept and accompany me is my car. Sometimes I have chosen to walk around the streets like a vagrant dog, with no idea, rationality and directions, when time is up, then will only think of going home. There are times I was over-stress and was screaming out loud in the gym. Those who heard my screaming were neglecting me, while the one screamed hear nothing but grabbing own hair real tight and thinking to pull all the problems off the head.

Frankly I am afraid of being alone. I have my friends and lover to company me, most of the time I am not lonely. Many even told me that “one of two friends is more than enough.” I do not have much buddies around me, it is countable with a palm that has 5 fingers. I was so dislike being alone but now I have no choice, but to be alone, and I know the person that will be suffering is me. Majority of the time, I would think of friends that used to accompany me, whenever I think of my love one, it is even more heartache, that I wonder if I could control the flow of tears that flooding my eyes.

I have ever thought of confessing everything to her, but I am just too afraid of fights and arguments. We both are hot temper, looks hard from the outside but soft in the inner. I look tough from the outside, but real weak inside. By the time I reached home, she is already asleep; looking at her pretty face while she is sleeping in my arms, with no temper, it is the time that melts my heart most, pampering and it would already satisfied me.

I have to say I am really guilty as she is the one I love, however I could give her what she wants.

No matter what is right or wrong, the truth is I still love her.

Back to the first topic, if I happened to met Superman, what question will I be asking?
You are able to lift up vehicles, hold the buildings and etc. but are you able to take up all responsibilities in every personal matter? 

有谁愿意为我广播,寻找我遗失的勇敢和坚强
Is there anyone willing to broadcast or paging for the brave and tough that I've lost?
简单

滴下的每一滴泪水都有背后的故事

一句简单的留言
我感动
我哭了

哭不是因为什么
不是因为她的问候
而是她的最后一句
至少还有人“懂”我

她不是很认识我
只是透过部落知道我
我们不曾见过面
但互联网将我们联系

对大家来说
此话很普通
不足为奇
但对目前的我来说
却是非一般的动力

对不起
可能我太小题大做
我确实是外表坚强
内心儒弱的大男孩

谢谢人在澳洲的 Jamie Wong
Seriously, you make my day :) 

  
Jamie Wong said...

cheer up Merv! Take your time to produce a quality post :D
 You don't blog to please readers. You do it for yourself, to record what and to write whatsoever you like isn't it?

Friday, June 25, 2010 10:05:00 AM
谁还记得


世间风尘仆仆
波浪风起云涌
一波又接一波
恐怕暗潮汹涌

试问谁还记得


难得风平浪静
引来狂风暴雨
天气千变万化
性格难以抓摸

故问谁还记得


明知山上有虎
应避之则安之
为何我行我素
只会空穴来风

敢问谁还记得


一再推卸责任
如面壁再思过
拔草也得除根
因春风会吹生

借问谁还记得
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